what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
You Might Also Like
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!