HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
You Might Also Like
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Finally!
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.