Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.