Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
For the ones in the back.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My Guy
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I think they could have phrased this better
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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