It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.