*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
me when i see my girls butt
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it