How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
You Might Also Like
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course