@liberalcannon

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

You Might Also Like

@noog

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

@TwinzerDad

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

@Brentweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

@PoodleSnarf

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

@CumberdickB

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

@MissBamanthaa

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@SoulYodeler

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

@bdbdleeroybrown

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.