One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines