How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.