SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Leaving the Barbers like
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.