how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
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I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.