My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Follow me for more life hacks.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.