BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
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