How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Every haunted house movie:
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
water it, i dare you
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you