We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
![]()
You Might Also Like
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
![]()
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
then why did i get this email
![]()
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.