We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”