Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?