JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Dammit Chief not again
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know