Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Saturday
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂