You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
You Might Also Like
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.