Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
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3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
my mom making me talk to relatives
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty