caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
You Might Also Like
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes