I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*