I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
You Might Also Like
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.