LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
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the last thing a carrot sees
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.