*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
If only.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*