[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
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Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I’m going to need a moment here.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒