Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
lol
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*