Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses