*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…