I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
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My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.