It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
cause of death:
autopsy.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.