I’m a bad influence on myself.

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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look


My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”


Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.


Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.


Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.


My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.


There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!


in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone


6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?



Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!