I’m a bad influence on myself.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
sounds kinky. i’m in.
![]()
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.