I’m a bad influence on myself.
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Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
spicy snake
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week