@LuvPug
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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@mattZillaaaa My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
@katy_baybay Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
@Mike_Bianchi Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
@UNDEADTRESOR Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
@HomeProbably My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
@twowitwowoo There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
@canadasandra in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
@XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
@Aikiwomannc *3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!