@LuvPug

I’m a bad influence on myself.

You Might Also Like

@

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@mattZillaaaa

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

@katy_baybay

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

@Mike_Bianchi

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

@HomeProbably

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

@twowitwowoo

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

@canadasandra

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

@Aikiwomannc

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!