I’m a bad influence on myself.
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.