The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic