My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.