therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
bad news gang
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice