Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
spicy snake
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.