How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?