Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone: