I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.