Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
TODAY
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.