Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Spa day..😅
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.