{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You Might Also Like
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.