Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
You Might Also Like
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Xylophonist Shredding It
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Pikachu found the lost joint
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.