Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money