Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.