Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.