Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit