Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi