well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit