School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
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how much does a mortician urn in a year
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
so weird how every mom was born today
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”